Fireworks Display Gone Wrong

This isn't my first heartbreak. But this is the first time it all happened so fast.

Literally, like a firework display gone wrong.

Eversince it all started, I kept reminding myself, "Guard your heart, Kat." Repeatedly.

But the weak that is me, had the walls torn down completely as events quickly unfolded between the two of us. That vulnerability that I kept to myself had quickly showed off itself to him. Still, I tried to hold back, the more that I held it back, the harder I fell.

Then, all along, as I count the good, small things and surprises, I didn't realize that he was counting the mistakes that I have been committing. Telling me about it, then, of course, me trying my best to work on it. We didn't have the same definition of patience as well, moreso of forgiveness and second chances. It all happened at a span of more or less 9 weeks.

Through it all, I would like to remind myself that I am not perfect but yet, I have become true to myself. From opening up, to being vulnerable, to falling, and now hurting.

It took me 5 years to be able to say the words "I love you." again with all its intended meaning to a man. It felt like falling asleep onto a beautiful dream and then waking up to a nightmare.

As the feelings had gone down, I tell myself again, that it's all part of the show called "my life". It is meant to teach "a lesson". It is meant to remind that I am still capable for the thing called "love".

Apart from myself, I don't know what else to say to the people who had witnessed the unfolding of this quick chapter in my life. No matter how I fought back the tears from flowing and the doubts from coming out my mouth, just like that outburst of love, it has to flow as well.

As my friend had told me, "don't close the book, just turn the page."

Also, who would have thought an astronaut can say the right words for what I am feeling right now?

Endings doesn't have to be emotionally wrenching if you believe you did a good job and you're prepared to let go. -Chris Hadfield 

But in the end, I honestly pray for a second chance.

All I know, is that it's gonna take awhile for that thing called "love" to find me again.

**********

Dear Future Boyfriend,

How soon? Please don't wait when I am all shattered and I can't recognize you anymore. I am sorry that I kept committing mistakes. Please be patient with me, as I am patiently waiting for you.

Love,
Kat

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