Talking to Myself

I really like to write. I love to write a lot. Just about anything. My life. My thoughts. Just about whatever runs into my head. Writing feels like talking with the words in print, that’s how my tita would always tell me whenever she asks me to write about something when I was in high school. However, I just can’t make that happen all the time. There will be days that I would just run into my computer and type away and post it. There were days that I would start on something and have it forever on the drafts page. Worst are the days that I want to write but I can’t write anything. Just like this.

I am just typing away with nowhere to go. I am squeezing out senseless words from my brains just because I want to write and I am restless.

For now, I will try to write as if I’m talking.

It’s the time of the month. If a girl says it’s the time of the month, people in the room should be able to get it. If not, then let me tell you about it with a ( . ) do you get it now? That looks like a boob, but no, it’s not. It should be regarded as a period. Anyway, I am just trying to make this paragraph longer. So, it’s the time of the month. Red Flag.

For the past few months, these times of the month had been frequently emotional.

Seriously, I can’t even get myself. Why am I so sad? Why do I even bother feeling guilty about what happened to me and my ex when I know now that he is a happy place right now, away from me? Sounds more like of envy, right? For four consecutive months, I had been waking up late in the evening just wanting to cry. Ugh. Not so me because I am not yet drunk. My drunk state-of-being is a different story. But during those late nights, I would wake up and cry and would start typing on my tablet about how I feel if one ever would get a hold of my tablet and read those notes, they probably, scream at my face to “Get a life!”

Seriously, I am also shocked about myself. With what I am going through and why am I like this. I am not into any pill except the vitamins I take and the fat burner pill I take whenever I go to the gym which happens to be on it’s 10th day last Friday. The fat burner is the new addition to the intake however I cannot take it into account because I just had it recently and this emo thing had been happening for months now. And the job of the fat burner is to burn fats while I am working out and not me make cry.

I hope I would stop being like this. I guess it does. In terms of fertility, they say that five days before and first five days of the period are the safest to be in contact to avoid pregnancy. But for me, I am starting to regard these days as the stay-away-from-me days. These are unsafe days to be around me, but honestly, these are the days I am so vulnerable that I would want someone to be with me.

If you’re a boy and you are reading this, be glad you don’t have this kind of monthly burden, so please stop bitching around.

If you’re gay and you are reading this, I am happy for you that you have the heart of a girl like me but no red days.

If you’re a girl and you are reading this, I know you know what I am going through.

So there, I was able to write. I don’t know if it makes sense.

Not everything have to make sense, I suppose. They just have to be worthwhile and I find writing this a worthwhile thing. Whatever that means. 

Randomthoughts 10.23.2014


Nakakamiss na din magpost. Makapag-random nga.

1. Habang isinusulat ko to, nanonood ako ng The Adjustment Bureau. According to the movie, there are siginificant people whose lives are planned, the plans entails that the lead role give up his love for more bigger responsibilities and wider opportunities for the one he loves. He decided to give up his love and work according to plan. Di pa tapos eh. Di ko ma-share ang ending. 

2. Naka-Day 8 na ko sa gym! Yoohoo! So far, di naman masakit ang katawan ko. Hahaha. I noticed in myself na mas productive ako with my daily tasks and I sleep better.

3. Every day is a success. Small progress and still a progress. It's a slow process.

 4. My bestfriend arrived from Japan, and I got a few Hello Kitty stuff with me again. Pinaka-cute tong si Hello Kitty football player. 

5. Tumaas yata ang grado ng mata ko. Nahihilo ako kapag nagbabasa ng matagal. Nagigising na lang ako sa umaga na nakatakip sa mukha ko yung libro. LOL.

6. Yung mga friends ko dati nag-eenjoy silang magswipe left or right sa aking Tinder Profile until they decided to have their own at nauna pa silang nakapag-date kesa sakin... Why.. LOL.

7. May kamukha si ex sa tinder, pinag-isipan ko pa kung isu-swipe left or right eh, swipe right din naman ginawa ko and It's A Match! Hahaha.

8. I don't know how to say what I really wanna say about the swiping left or right base on how someone looks like on a photo, alam naman nating lahat na essential yun--the physical appearance, I mean. Makabuo nga ng bagong post tungkol dito. Harinawa.

9. It's Museum Month this month, and while checking papers kanina, napagusapan naman ang Art Appreciation na mayroon ang mga ordinaryong pinoy. Kung anong effect ng curriculum sa kalinangan ng mga mag-aaral sa sining. Ang K to 12 ay nabuo upang makapagproduce ng mga ready-for-work na graduates. Very limited room for imagination. Very limited suppy of art materials as well. Art Appreciation had also been marginalized. Most of the time, only the "burgis" people would know how to appreciate it. Nagtanong nga ko sa isang co-fellow ko, 'if we really want to change things in terms of deeper appreciation and awareness of art, where do we start?" We therefore conclude, "Ang hirap sagutin. Mahirap kasi ang bansa natin."

10. Nagstream ako kanina ng mga TED Talks na ginawa dito sa Pilipinas. Hay... Fave ko pa din yung kay Joey Ayala. How he criticized and attempted to re-arrange the National Anthem, the beat, how the words were pronounced and the "ang mamatay nang dahil sayo" got replaced with "ang magmahal ng dahil sayo." Truly, I will never sing the National Anthem the same ever again. I hope the government considers his arrangement. 

11.  Syempre, hindi pa rin nawawala yung desire kong maka-attend ng isang live TED Talk. Kung ako naman ang TED Speaker, ano kayang sasabihin ko. Makapag-prepare na nga. LELS.

11. Natapos na yung The Adjustment Bureau. Makes me think about the last lines in the movie:

Harry Mitchell: [voice over] Most people live life on the path we set for them. Too afraid to explore any other. But once in a while people like you come along and knock down all the obstacles we put in your way. People who realize free will is a gift, you'll never know how to use until you fight for it. I think that's The Chairman's real plan. And maybe, one day, we won't write the plan. You will.

12. Matatapos ko na ang mga grades ng mga bagets. Third grading na! WAAAAA. Magpapasko na! And bonus, mapupunta sa pambayad sa enrolment. LOL. Excited na ko mag-aral ulit para sa sarili ko. Since it is an Open University set up, goodluck sa Time management and Sipag Management.


Shake It Off

Shake It Off Moments

1.    Dumating na yung test sa Science, tinuro ko sya Mother Tongue as per directive. Ang test nasa English.

2.    Prepared ako magturo, absent ang tatlong teachers. Di ako maka-ikot sa mga dapat kong turuan.

3.    Kinuha ko yung number ng gym na naka-post dun sa labas ng gym, nung tinawagan ko, wrong number.

4.    Anong nangyari sa professionalism sir/mam/sir?

Bad Teacher Moments

1.    May lapis akong dala para sayo. Ano pang dahilan mo at di ka nagsusulat?

2.    Paggising mo sa umaga, bago ka pumasok, isipin mo kung kaya mong maging mabuting bata. Kung kaya mo, go, maligo, magsepilyo at pumasok nang mabango sa school. Kung gustong subukan pwede rin. Kung hindi talaga kaya, baka gusto mong pag-isipan kung anong dapat ginagawa sa paaralan.

3.    Simula bukas, magdadala na ko ng chili powder. Ang marinig kong magmura, bubudburan ko ang dila ng chili powder!

4.    Nanay: Ako nga po sumuko na sa kulit at tigas ng ulo ng batang yan. Hindi ko na po alam ang gagawin.

Teacher: Baka gusto nyong pabakasyunin muna ng isang buwan. Ang hirap po kasing magdisiplina at magturo nang sabay.

5.    Magkikita ba ulit tayo sa isang taon? Dyan mo pa rin ba gustong umupo sa isang taon?

Ang agang dumating ng burn-out ngayong taon.

Makapag-gym na nga lang. Simula next week. Oo, mag-g-gym ako. Perstaym ko sa buong buhay ko. Sa ngayon, #shakeitoff muna. 

Work in Progress

I thought I had my life all planned out. I thought I already know what will happen with me in the coming years, I know what I want, what I need and who I want to be. I really thought I do.

But here I am know, staring at my paper, holding a pencil on my left hand with nothing to write, I try to write something, but I erase it eventually. Then, nothing is in there anymore. This is my first assignment with the 6-month mentorship program I am currently under. It aims to re-design and match the skills and leadership skills we have acquired from the two years of teaching in a public school to our chosen hopefully lifelong careers after this experience.

Before our second meeting sometime this month, I have to make a layout of my life. From my current age up to the age I could ideally live.

Typing this post seems to be a lot easier than doing my life map.

Where do I start?
What do I start with?
How do I start all over again?
Do I really want to start over again?

This time, my personal challenge is to pick that LIFELONG career. That something I wouldn’t get tired of doing every single day.

Nobody is pressuring me but myself.

Hmmm.. Yeah, I am a 15-yr old girl, trapped in a 28-yr old's body. LOL.
But seriously, that's up to my ideal age of 76 I am working on.
It’s not really hard to design my life if I start from a few years from now. What I am having doubts and second thoughts with is what to do after April 2015.

Even if I choose to stay where I am now, after April 2015, it’s going to be an all new journey as my colleagues and those people I took the two years with are deciding to take a brand new paths.

What I like about it is the idea that I can start all brand new. More equipped. More support. More positive.

My career should be able to support and jive with my personal, family and travel desires. My mentor calls this an iMap. On the photo you will see the first three years of my life. From where I am now up to the next two years which I feel are so crucial as I build my career and go with my plans. 

Any time soon, on one of my "paggising, bangon agad" moments, I will tell myself that thing I will never get tired of doing every day of my life. For the meantime, I just gotta do what I have to do every day and do it to the best of my ability. So I will have stories to share and more things to learn from the kids inside my classroom.